‘The X-Files’: No One Lives Forever — Unless They Have Some Bloody, Gory Help

Posted on Mar 15 2018 - 5:44am by admin

Ready to get grossed out? ‘The X-Files’ just delivered what may be its most gruesome episode since the legendary ‘Home’. It’s insane!

Warning: major Mulder and Scully relationship spoiler, so if you want to stay surprised, skip to the next paragraph. At the very end of the episode, Mulder and Scully are lighting candles in church, talking about regrets. It’s utterly romantic. Scully says she failed and fled when it came to there ever being a real relationship. Mulder says he wishes she would have left earlier, before she ever got invested in him and the x-files. She’d probably be “married to a brain surgeon with a bunch of kids [she] didn’t have to give up. Scully doesn’t regret any of that, because it brought them together. And…she wants to move forward in life with him. Of course, the episode immediately ends so we don’t know what that means. Ugh.

Spoiler over! Now, starting from the top. If you’re squeamish, maybe this episode of The X-Files isn’t for you. We open with two doctors in the middle of an illegal organ harvesting operation. While this is hella weird, it gets hella weirder. One of the doctors pulls out the poor guy’s pancreas and LICKS IT. Their little tasting session is interrupted by a girl with a katana and an axe to grind. After praying for forgiveness, she busts in to kill both the doctors, as well as the delivery boy getting ready to take the organs away in a cooler. She grabs it instead, and drops it off on the curb at a hospital.

Uh….yeah. It’s immediately clear that this episode is going to be about something spooky and religious. Despite all she’s been through, Scully is still a devout Catholic, and we see her attending church. It’s interrupted by a call from Mulder getting her on the murder case. You know what this episode is also about? Aging. Mulder’s defensive because he has to wear progressive lenses. Scully has gout. They’re not the 20-somethings from the original series.

This comes into context when we see where the missing organs that Katana lady (actually named Juliette) couldn’t recover. There’s what can only be described as a vampire cult in the town. A woman named Barbara Beaumont, who looks straight out of the 1960s, actually is. She drinks a smoothie of human blood and organs every day, and stays young forever. When she’s deprived, the cracks start to show. Her home is filled with young people lounging around in their underwear, totally brainwashed by her praise and “love.” She’s f**king crazy, and one of The X-Files‘ best weirdos in a long time.

Now, here’s the reason why Juliette’s out for revenge. One of the girls in the cult is her sister, who’s been missing for two months, Olivia. She’s in more danger than Juliette realizes. Barbara’s eternal youth is thanks to the work of a doctor, who also lives in the horror house. His secret to living forever? A disgusting procedure that attaches him back-to-back with one of the young people, slowly draining their nutrients. Olivia’s next. While Mulder and Scully can’t stop the procedure from happening, Juliette sure can try.

Mulder and Scully head to Barbara’s apartment to ask her about the organs. She freaks out when they don’t recognize her from her 1960s sitcom and has her followers attack the agents. Juliette comes barreling through with her katana and murders Barbara. She also kills the doctor, who’s already attached to Olivia. But she survives. Everyone survives. Well, except the two people who just died. But still.

Best line of the show: Mulder asking Scully if she got her hair cut. It’s been the original Scully bob for three episodes now.

The X-Files airs Wednesdays at 8:00pm on Fox.

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